Ramblings of a Semi-Crunchy Mama

Yearning for a Simpler Life

2010-04-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

There's something about being out in the country that seems to settle my soul. I don't know if it's the green hills rolling to the horizon, the lazy cows grazing happily in the fields, or just the slower pace of everyday life that seems to hang suspended in the wind. There is something here that makes me want to be a better person. To spend less and save more. To speak less and listen more. To worry less and love more.

I am amazed by the tug and pull nature can have on one's heart. Alone in the freedom of nature it is easy to forget daily tasks that pile up like mountains. It's easy to let go of rights that have been wronged. Easy to find a place of harmony and grace. Time slows and things that are truly important - family, faith, love seem to rise to precedence over money, pride and power.

Life is simpler.

For your entertainment: Children running barefoot through fresh cut grass. Birds singing songs of praise. Flowers reaching high towards the sun. Cows bellowing. Horses whineying. Dogs barking. Kids laughing. Filling your senses with love and hope that this life we live and the world we live in is not yet lost.

I am made for this life. A life that lives the truth of the fact that what we take with us is nothing we can buy or save for. A life that purposes to see beyond the 9 to 5, to move beyond the status quo.

Goodness abounds. Love overflows. My cup runneth over.

Heavy Heart

2010-02-21T17:46:00.001-08:00

I am drained tonight and having one of those dreary kind of moments. My parents came to visit this weekend which was wonderful, but the visit was too short and their departure tonight was harder on me than usual. I miss my parents being part of our everyday lives. I miss that they can't stop by after dinner for a cup of coffee or that I can't meet my mom for lunch at our favorite little spot. I miss that they miss out on seeing the new things the kids are doing until well after they've accomplished them. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that my parents are close enough to visit as often as they do but tonight it just really hit me that they are far enough away to be away. Too far for daily or weekly enjoyment.

And then there's Ava who really pushed me to the limits today. I am at a really difficult place in disciplining this child and I find myself second guessing almost every aspect of my parenting. I feel guilty for spanking her even when I feel a spanking is merrited and I feel worn out from constantly trying to be calm and in control of myself when she deliberately disobeys or back talks. Everyday I find myself praying that God will help me become a better mother, and every day I feel I fall shorter and shorter.

And as the tears were already rolling I began to find more things to sob about - like the lack of a present female friend who shares the same obstacles as I do with the same desires to raise their children different from the world. I have no female companion whom I can honeslty share my struggles with, validate my feelings with or gleam encouragement from and all of a sudden I realized how much I truly desire that. A best friend. Some one aside from my husband who I can lean on, talk to, laugh with, cry with and enjoy. I love my husband dearly but as a mother I want another mother I can connect with.

So, that is where I am tonight. Hoping tomorrow will be a sunnier day.

Mondays

2010-02-15T18:53:00.001-08:00

Monday is Billy's late night of the week. He leaves by seven and doesn't return home until after nine, which makes for a very long day for both of us, especially when I work a Sunday night which I have done the last two weeks. I get off work at 7:30 and get home by 8, which means by the time he gets home Monday night I have not laid eyes on him for over 24 hours. Yeah, it stinks.

Well since we live in the arcitc circle also known as Ohio, we have been pounded by winter storms the last 2 weeks leaving a large quantity of snow on the ground and more beautiful snow started falling today. We are estimated at getting up to 8 more inches before this storm is over.

EIGHT. MORE. INCHES.

Enough said. Our awesome childcare provider is a 17 year old homeschooler we met at our church. She is wonderful and the kiddos adore her. The only problem with our current situation is the fact that she is, well, 17 and when the roads are snowy or icey her parents won't allow her to drive the distance to our house. Understandable. So at noon today she woke me up with the sad news that I would have to peel back my eyelids and stumble down stairs to watch my own kids. The blizzard had started and she was leaving to go home.

GRRRREAT.

So after working 12 hours and getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep I trapsed myself downstairs to the rugrats. Thankfully our sitter had them at the table eating lunch so no effort was required of me on that one. Naps came a little earlier than normal but the day carried on as usual. And I even managed to make a real dinner - something I usually don't do on Monday nights when it's just me and the kids. Bill came home to a mountain of snow in the driveway which he is currently shoveling in spite of his extreme exhaustion and while Ava should be nestled in her bed, she is acting silly nilly on the floor with her best bud Brownie.

Mondays are hard around here, but the good thing about Monday is that its followed by Tuesday - a new day after a nice night of sleep. Ahhh. Sleep.

Will it ever end?

2010-02-10T13:07:00.000-08:00

It has been snowing here in the great state of Ohio for about a week now and as I look out my window at over a foot of snow while huge crystalline flakes relentlessly fall from the sky I wonder if this is ever going to end! Don't get me wrong, I do love the snow and watching it fall from the comfort and warmth of my own home, however when everyday occurances are hindered by it, it becomes a slight nuisance. Ava and her daddy enjoyed some time out in snow yesterday evening building snowmen and throwing snowballs. I have so many wonderful memories of my dad and me building snowmen, sled riding and cover your eyes mom - sliding on the ice in his station wagon around the neighborhood. I am thankful that Ava and Bill are forming a strong foundation of memories for her to pull from one day. The Winter can be fun, but I am SO ready for Spring!

And Spring will come bringing with it greeness and new life. Spring will come reminding us all that time continues to move on, whether or not we are ready. With death comes new life, with darkness comes the light. God is good to move us from one season to the next - both in the world we live in and in our own private lives. One of my favorite songs by Nicole Nordeman is "Every Season". Enjoy this video and take heart in knowing that whatever season you are in - a new one is coming.

Update

2009-09-27T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well the stress level around the Swinehart home has calmed down a little since my last post. After much consideration, I decided against starting back to school this fall. The hubby and I had a long discussion about the pros and cons, and I really felt as though there wasn't a truly valid reason for me to start back at this time in our lives. This doesn't mean that I will never advance my education, but my time with the family is too precious and my mental health too important. I really enjoy just being a mom and working my 2 little nights a week just fine.

Ava has been enjoying doing preschool at home and I have really been enjoying schooling her as well. We started a curriculum about 4 weeks ago and she loves it. We are following the Letter of the Week curriculum (www.letteroftheweek.com) and it has been wonderful. The mother who created this program has homsechooled 4 children and does a fabulous job of incorporating key elements into each weeks lessons. I can really see Ava digesting and retaining the things we discuss as well, which is so rewarding to me. Storytime at our library started back 2 weeks ago and we have been enjoying going for a fun time of silly songs, great books, and active engagement with other toddlers. It is also a nice time for me to interact with other moms of toddlers and to see that yes, other toddlers act grumpy and throw fits too. I love the validation of normalcy.

Here We Go

2009-09-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that we are halfway through with September. Where did the summer go? How is it possible that my baby is about to be six months old? My little squishy cuddle bug can roll all over the place, almost sit unsupported, and has even enjoyed two nights in a row of rice cereal. My princess can wear her hair in a ponytail, pees in the potty (most of the time), and eagerly asks me every morning when we are going to to "pstool" (which eqautes to preschool for those without toddlers). It just doesn't seem possible that my children grow so much everyday, and yet they do.

So, back to September. I have many mixed feelings about September and what this new "season" will bring to our family. I am very excited that fall is upon us, and look forward to cool days and cooler nights, festivals, county fairs, apple picking, pumping carving, leaves falling, candy eating, and sweater wearing. I just LOVE fall. I love the way the air smells and I love watching the trees metamorph into beautiful jeweled tones. I have been looking forward to fall since summer began and now that it is near, I am starting to get a little panicky. I feel as though Billy and I have so much on our plates, that we both have lives going on outside and inside of our "lives" and having two or three lives that you're living becomes very complex and stressfull!

Billy is starting his second year of grad school and is required to T.A. (teacher's assistant) this autumn guarter. So, for a biology class of about 400 students, he is required to teach two lab sections with 25 students per section, make and grade quizzes for each lab session, attend every class, and hold his own office hours. This doesn't really seem too complex on its own, however, my dear hubby also has to continue with his own independant research in the lab, present his research thus far at a 2 day conference in October and attend seminars for his graduate program every week. Amidst all of that, he is also still required to be a husband and a father. Basically, I am beginning to realize that for this next quarter (or year for that matter) I will become a grad school widow, and I haven't quite fully prepared myself for that.

I start my online human growth and development class September 23rd and while I am very excited about starting back to school myself I am also completely horrified. How am I gonna juggle my own school work with working 2 nights a week, being home with the kids every day, and not having a lot of help in the evenings with Billy tied up with his school committments. Some times when I think of all this, it just seems like insanity!

When I think of the years Billy has left in school and the hours he has to spend away from home making the mere salary he makes I get discouraged. I start doubting decisions we've made and I question if staying home as much as I do is beneficial to the family. I think about our finances which makes me even more discouraged and before long, I'm in such a rut. I wonder if me starting back to school is a selfish thing to do, considering getting my B.S. degree really isn't going to benefit us in any way. I have always wanted a bachelor's degree and I know if I go on to attain my master's it will be important, but then I struggle with that as well. I want to be a midwife, I want to pursue what I am passionate about, but I am so passionate about my children, about spending as much time as possible investing in their lives, building up their character, and being as present in their lives as possible. When I consider getting my midwifery degree and consider the hours I'd be away from home I start to think of all the things I'd miss, like story time at the library, swinging on the swing set in the back yard, going on small adventures to a local farm, cuddling up on the couch watching Little Bear, doing homeschool activities, wearing our pajamas until noon, snuggling under the covers taking an afternoon nap, baking cookies, and the list goes on and on. I never thought mothering would be such a tough job.

I want to be an awesome mother and I want to mother out of inspiration and not guilt. I want to make decisions for our family out of conviction from the heart and not from someone elses ideas on how things should be done. I will admit that I struggle with that. I struggle with being a "semi-crunchy" momma, but that is what I am, and I need to learn that it is OK to be middle of the road.

September is here, and October will follow and although I know it will be tough, we will get through this season, and we will get through it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Romans 9:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Everything will come together by the grace of God.

I love fall. I love fall. I love fall.

Growing Independance

2009-06-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ava will be two and a half on June 26th and for the first 880 days of Ava's life, naps and bedtime were always preceded with a rock in the rocking chair. I remember those first few weeks of Ava's life when all I did was hold, nurse and rock my sweet little angel. There was nothing more fulfilling than feeling the weight of her body nustled up on my chest and hearing her gentle deep sighs of comfort and contentment.

As Ava grew, her body began to occupy a little more space on my chest but with each sleepy time moment, Ava knew her place of rest was on mommy's lap. Months turned into a year and rocking our little one was just part of the routine. Many people thought I wasn't parenting the "right" way by rocking our daughter to sleep every night, preventing her from being "independant". I've never seen an independant 1 year old, and I really don't think 1 year old's need independance. What they do need, is constant love and the reminder of safety and security in their everyday lives. This is what builds real independance when the time is right. I am greatful for those in my life who encouraged our behavior of lovingly rocking our sweetie to sleep and for honoring our desire to do what we felt as parents was best for our child.

Two years old and still rocking, still crawling up in our laps for bedtime stories about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and for our evening rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, which happened to include every member of our family! Two years old and still rocking! I began to wonder, will this child ever sleep on her own? Have we in reality created a dependant child who needs us to sleep? And then, about 3 weeks ago, Ava decided she was ready. At nap time one day Ava told me she didn't want to rock, but that she wanted to lay in her own bed. At first I thought to myself, yeah right, this is really going to work. I was very pessimistic about the success of her napping on her own. Three days later, Ava was taking naps on her own, in her bed without her mommy rocking her to sleep!

I am ecstatic, and thrilled, and amazed, and proud. My two and a half year old is napping on her own. I can see the independance of a securely attached toddler beginning to blossom and it is so beautiful. I can see the fruits of our labor intensive attachment parenting at work as she begins to feel at ease in transitioning to going to sleep on her own. Ava was never forced to sleep on her own, left alone to "cry it out". Ava discovered that she could sleep on her own without mommy and daddy because she knew that we would be there in case she couldn't. That is true independance - breaking away with trust and confidence, knowing that it's okay to fall because someone will be there to catch you.

My baby is growing up. And while I'm so very proud of her and this major accomplishment, I do peer in her doorway with a hinge of sadness at my sleeping angel. I realize that as she no longer needs me to fulfill her need for bedtime routines, that soon she will no longer need me to dress her each morning, to change her diaper, to brush her teeth, to help her put her shoes on the right feet. And while her growth in character and maturity excites me, it also makes me want to hold on a little tighter. This may be one of the hardest things about parenting - learning that it is alright to let go, to loosen the grasp.

And so I am left with a full heart, full of pride for Ava and her growing independance and full of love for my baby girl blossoming into toddlerhood.

All In A Year

2009-06-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Almost a year has passed since my last rambling, a year of changing and growing, a year of expanding.

We moved from Georgia to Ohio in July 2008. I started a new job as a contingent NICU nurse in a level 2 and level 3 NICU. Billy started his first year of graduate school - and will be finished with it June 11th. Ava reached toddlerhood and discovered that like all of us, she has opinions too! My darling baby Wyatt was born on March 22nd and has fallen right in step with our busy, beautiful family. Our lives have changed in so many ways throughout this crazy adventure and I am not quite sure at times how we survived this last year on so many levels! But, we did, praise God, and by his grace I know we will go on to survive this next year as well.

So, I guess this is my intro back into the world of blogging, which I hope to partake in at least once a week! Now I only have to figure out where to begin!!

2008-08-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

I can clearly remember the nursing staff's response when I instructed they not discard of Ava's placenta after birth.

"Um, you want to do what with it? Uh, well, I really don't think that is legal. I mean it's biohazard and we have to dispose of it."

I'm sure they thought we were some weirdos who wanted to take home the dang thing to fry up in the skillet. I mean after all we (implying my husband and I) were weird enough to squat during labor, refuse pain meds, demand delayed cord clamping, and what seemed to be strangest of all - keep our daughter in the room with us at all times. So how much weider could we be by asking to take our placenta home? I mean it was mine and Ava's after all. Weren't we entitled to it's rights? Reluctantly, the nursing staff gave in and brought us Ava's placenta wrapped tightly in a bright red biohazard bag sealed securely inside a gallon size ice cream bucket. I was thrilled, they I'm sure were a little confused and slightly bothered.

No, we didnt' fry it up in the skillet. However it is popular in some countries to grind the placenta down, make a tincture out of it, and ingest it during the postpartum period to help balance hormonal flucuations as well as aid in many other medicinal purposes. See placentabenefits.info for more information on the many benefits of placentophagy.

We didn't eat Ava's placenta but chose to freeze it with plans on burying it underneath a tree, symbolizing the nourishment of life the placenta gave to Ava in utero by fertilizing and sustaining the growth of the tree.

So here we are, 20 months after Ava's birth. Today was a special day. Today we planted Ava's placenta. I agree, it's a little longer than we wanted to wait, but we wanted a special place, a place we could come back to and reflect upon. A place we would visit often throughout the years. We wanted a tree that would withstand the elements of time, that would grow and flourish and represent the beautiful, full life Ava lives every day. Today we planted Ava's placenta underneath a blazing red maple tree in the backyard of my parents house. A tree that will grow 70-85 feet tall and live well over a hundred years, reminding us of the beauty of life and the awesome power of God's hand in all creation. A placenta that sustained Ava, with a velamentous insertion at that, is now sustaining this gorgeous maple tree. A tree whose leaves will turn scarlet red each fall, mimicking the richness and depth of her scarlet placenta.

And yet this experience today represents not only the start of Ava's life, but a new cycle that is taking place in all our lives. A newness of sorts that we are entering into together - a planting of the old and preparing for the new. In this season of newness, Ava is weaning, we are moving to a new land, Billy is starting graduate school at one of the largest campuses in the U.S. and I am carrying our second child. (Wow. That seems like a lot.)

Today we remembered Ava's birth and gave a part of her, a part of us back to the earth. As the blazing maple transforms it's leaves from green to scarlet this autumn, we too will be transformed into new roles, new places, new adventures.

A Change is a Comin

2008-07-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

In less than two weeks we pack up our car with clothes and toys and books - enough liveable items for one week and head north. We are officially moving. Moving away from a place that has been my home for 13 years and my husband's home for 27. Moving to a foreign place, a place where the weather changes with every season, the grass is soft and squishy, and the dirt is brown and not red. I am hesitant to put into words how I truly feel about the start of this new journey, maybe because I still haven't faced the reality of leaving this place with all it's familiarity.

I am excited about this change in our lives and do welcome its presence. I have always known I would never stay here in this place, and once I married my husband knew we would leave soon for greater opportunities. I am however anxious about leaving my comfort zone, moving away from my childhood stomping ground, and saying goodbye to the friends who have become my family since I moved away from my own 13 years ago. It is scary and overwhelming and thrilling and blissful all at once.

This is good for us. This is what we need. This is an opportunity of a lifetime. I embrace this change in our lives and look forward to the next chapter unfolding in a new place, a foreign place, a place that will become home.

A New Record

2008-06-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

I guess I have condsidered myself a runner since highschool although we've had an on again off again relationship over the years. A few months ago I started back running at least 3 days a week and running roughly 1.25-1.8 miles with each run. I have been working hard to increase my running days and my distance and have now been running more often with an average distance of 2.5-3 miles. Today I set a new record for myself and ran 3.5 miles!! I know that's not a marathon or anything, but I am proud of myself for this accomplishment.

With a long history of overall physical self dislike and some eating issues thrown in the mix I am finally arriving at a place where I am proud of my body and what it has carried me through. My body birthed a baby. My hips may be a little wider but they balance a toddler with ease. My breasts may be a little saggier but they've nursed health and life to my child. My tummy may be a little squishier but it grew a healthy baby for 10 months. My body is a miracle worker. It has continued the cycle of life for my family.

There are days when I have to say to myself "I love my body, my body is beautiful," and then there are days like today when I have pushed my body to the limit and it delivered.

And that is a beautiful.

Hold, Rock, Repeat

2008-05-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

Ava turned 17 months old on the 26th, and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the truth that she is growing up and getting older. I won't deny that I enjoy this stage of childhood when little eyes glow at the sight of something new and little feet chase after anything with excitement and purpose, however I miss the coziness of a round, smooth body curled up on my chest and the sight of a milk coma that lasts three hours. The smell of her breath is something I will always take with me, and something I steal a piece of whenever I can. These tender memories of early motherhood are so precious to me. I try often to remember how she looked during those first few weeks, still so new and babyish. I think back to our daily life together - eating, sleeping, staring at the beautiful child that had been created out of love and purpose. Holding, rocking, gazing at her face with the perfect little O shaped mouth.

Ava is 17 months old now, and while she is becoming a typical toddler seeking her independence, she is still a very attached little girl. Holding and rocking and gazing are still every day activities as each day after lunch a tired little princess lays her head on my shoulder, calls out passionately "Elmo? Elmo!" awaiting her beloved snuggly Elmo, and hangs onto mama as we walk to her room and sit in the infamous chair. She snuggles her Elmo under her right arm and nestles her head in my right arm, each leg dangling on either side of my hips. She may whisper a few words or ask me to kiss Elmo a thousand times before her tired eyes give way, but when she does surrender to sleep I'm taken back to those early days again when the world stopped to gaze at her beauty. I study her face - still the same, yet different and I lean in closely to kiss her O shaped mouth and smell her breath. It feels as though our hearts beat the same beat during this quiet time of day, and I feel closer to her than at any other moment.

I know one day Ava will no longer need to "wock" in our special chair every afternoon. One day she will be big and say no to mama's request. My heart will break slightly as I face that reality, but I will always have these memories in my heart. I would not trade anything for holding, rocking, gazing. These are the moments motherhood is made of. I am thankful for now the cycle continues: hold, rock, repeat.

Enter Blog One

2008-05-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've decided to start my own blog yet once again. The first blog didn't make it so long - maybe one entry, but I'm turning over a new leaf and I'm going to do it. Not that I really have anything overly important to say, any wise proverbs to share, or poetice verses to pen, but I do have the ramblings of a semi-crunchy mama whirling about in my brain, and for better or worse, I've decided to share.

What is a semi-crunchy mama you might ask? I guess that should be the first thing I attempt to explain. A semi-crunchy mama goes something like this:

Believes completely in uninhindered natural childbirth (though the thought of meconium aspiration syndrome at a homebirth stills scares the s*** out of me)
Adores attachment parenting in all forms (minus the co-sleeping of wiggling, writhing toddler bodies)
Supports extended breastfeeding (although my ever deflating breasts make me wanna run to the first plastic surgeon I see for some saline)
Identifies the value of good nutrition and attempts to purchase all organic foods (while secretly eating lays ruffle chips and helluva good dip)
Denies routine infant vaccinations for the misguided proof that they are safe (however immediately vaccinates daughter with DTaP vaccine after she fell and sliced open her lip)

Aside from the comedic attempt, I am a huge believer in physiological/out of hospital childbirth, attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, organic nutrition, and selectively vaccinating. These ideals do not define me as a person, but rather shape the person I am and want to be. Above all professions in my life, the most important thing to me is being a loving, supporting wife and a caring, compassionate mother. Everything else falls under this umbrella of family.

I am confidant that at the end of the day, no matter what life has delivered on my doorstep, I am surrounded by people who love and applaud me for who I am. I do not have to be a supermom or a stepford wife, I just get to be me - a semi-crunchy mama who loves her life and her family and all that is good and pure in this world. That is by far, the best feeling anyone could ask for.