Ramblings of a Semi-Crunchy Mama

Well the stress level around the Swinehart home has calmed down a little since my last post. After much consideration, I decided against starting back to school this fall. The hubby and I had a long discussion about the pros and cons, and I really felt as though there wasn't a truly valid reason for me to start back at this time in our lives. This doesn't mean that I will never advance my education, but my time with the family is too precious and my mental health too important. I really enjoy just being a mom and working my 2 little nights a week just fine.

Ava has been enjoying doing preschool at home and I have really been enjoying schooling her as well. We started a curriculum about 4 weeks ago and she loves it. We are following the Letter of the Week curriculum (www.letteroftheweek.com) and it has been wonderful. The mother who created this program has homsechooled 4 children and does a fabulous job of incorporating key elements into each weeks lessons. I can really see Ava digesting and retaining the things we discuss as well, which is so rewarding to me. Storytime at our library started back 2 weeks ago and we have been enjoying going for a fun time of silly songs, great books, and active engagement with other toddlers. It is also a nice time for me to interact with other moms of toddlers and to see that yes, other toddlers act grumpy and throw fits too. I love the validation of normalcy.

I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that we are halfway through with September. Where did the summer go? How is it possible that my baby is about to be six months old? My little squishy cuddle bug can roll all over the place, almost sit unsupported, and has even enjoyed two nights in a row of rice cereal. My princess can wear her hair in a ponytail, pees in the potty (most of the time), and eagerly asks me every morning when we are going to to "pstool" (which eqautes to preschool for those without toddlers). It just doesn't seem possible that my children grow so much everyday, and yet they do.

So, back to September. I have many mixed feelings about September and what this new "season" will bring to our family. I am very excited that fall is upon us, and look forward to cool days and cooler nights, festivals, county fairs, apple picking, pumping carving, leaves falling, candy eating, and sweater wearing. I just LOVE fall. I love the way the air smells and I love watching the trees metamorph into beautiful jeweled tones. I have been looking forward to fall since summer began and now that it is near, I am starting to get a little panicky. I feel as though Billy and I have so much on our plates, that we both have lives going on outside and inside of our "lives" and having two or three lives that you're living becomes very complex and stressfull!

Billy is starting his second year of grad school and is required to T.A. (teacher's assistant) this autumn guarter. So, for a biology class of about 400 students, he is required to teach two lab sections with 25 students per section, make and grade quizzes for each lab session, attend every class, and hold his own office hours. This doesn't really seem too complex on its own, however, my dear hubby also has to continue with his own independant research in the lab, present his research thus far at a 2 day conference in October and attend seminars for his graduate program every week. Amidst all of that, he is also still required to be a husband and a father. Basically, I am beginning to realize that for this next quarter (or year for that matter) I will become a grad school widow, and I haven't quite fully prepared myself for that.

I start my online human growth and development class September 23rd and while I am very excited about starting back to school myself I am also completely horrified. How am I gonna juggle my own school work with working 2 nights a week, being home with the kids every day, and not having a lot of help in the evenings with Billy tied up with his school committments. Some times when I think of all this, it just seems like insanity!

When I think of the years Billy has left in school and the hours he has to spend away from home making the mere salary he makes I get discouraged. I start doubting decisions we've made and I question if staying home as much as I do is beneficial to the family. I think about our finances which makes me even more discouraged and before long, I'm in such a rut. I wonder if me starting back to school is a selfish thing to do, considering getting my B.S. degree really isn't going to benefit us in any way. I have always wanted a bachelor's degree and I know if I go on to attain my master's it will be important, but then I struggle with that as well. I want to be a midwife, I want to pursue what I am passionate about, but I am so passionate about my children, about spending as much time as possible investing in their lives, building up their character, and being as present in their lives as possible. When I consider getting my midwifery degree and consider the hours I'd be away from home I start to think of all the things I'd miss, like story time at the library, swinging on the swing set in the back yard, going on small adventures to a local farm, cuddling up on the couch watching Little Bear, doing homeschool activities, wearing our pajamas until noon, snuggling under the covers taking an afternoon nap, baking cookies, and the list goes on and on. I never thought mothering would be such a tough job.

I want to be an awesome mother and I want to mother out of inspiration and not guilt. I want to make decisions for our family out of conviction from the heart and not from someone elses ideas on how things should be done. I will admit that I struggle with that. I struggle with being a "semi-crunchy" momma, but that is what I am, and I need to learn that it is OK to be middle of the road.

September is here, and October will follow and although I know it will be tough, we will get through this season, and we will get through it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Romans 9:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Everything will come together by the grace of God.

I love fall. I love fall. I love fall.