Ramblings of a Semi-Crunchy Mama

There's something about being out in the country that seems to settle my soul. I don't know if it's the green hills rolling to the horizon, the lazy cows grazing happily in the fields, or just the slower pace of everyday life that seems to hang suspended in the wind. There is something here that makes me want to be a better person. To spend less and save more. To speak less and listen more. To worry less and love more.

I am amazed by the tug and pull nature can have on one's heart. Alone in the freedom of nature it is easy to forget daily tasks that pile up like mountains. It's easy to let go of rights that have been wronged. Easy to find a place of harmony and grace. Time slows and things that are truly important - family, faith, love seem to rise to precedence over money, pride and power.

Life is simpler.

For your entertainment: Children running barefoot through fresh cut grass. Birds singing songs of praise. Flowers reaching high towards the sun. Cows bellowing. Horses whineying. Dogs barking. Kids laughing. Filling your senses with love and hope that this life we live and the world we live in is not yet lost.

I am made for this life. A life that lives the truth of the fact that what we take with us is nothing we can buy or save for. A life that purposes to see beyond the 9 to 5, to move beyond the status quo.

Goodness abounds. Love overflows. My cup runneth over.

I am drained tonight and having one of those dreary kind of moments. My parents came to visit this weekend which was wonderful, but the visit was too short and their departure tonight was harder on me than usual. I miss my parents being part of our everyday lives. I miss that they can't stop by after dinner for a cup of coffee or that I can't meet my mom for lunch at our favorite little spot. I miss that they miss out on seeing the new things the kids are doing until well after they've accomplished them. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that my parents are close enough to visit as often as they do but tonight it just really hit me that they are far enough away to be away. Too far for daily or weekly enjoyment.

And then there's Ava who really pushed me to the limits today. I am at a really difficult place in disciplining this child and I find myself second guessing almost every aspect of my parenting. I feel guilty for spanking her even when I feel a spanking is merrited and I feel worn out from constantly trying to be calm and in control of myself when she deliberately disobeys or back talks. Everyday I find myself praying that God will help me become a better mother, and every day I feel I fall shorter and shorter.

And as the tears were already rolling I began to find more things to sob about - like the lack of a present female friend who shares the same obstacles as I do with the same desires to raise their children different from the world. I have no female companion whom I can honeslty share my struggles with, validate my feelings with or gleam encouragement from and all of a sudden I realized how much I truly desire that. A best friend. Some one aside from my husband who I can lean on, talk to, laugh with, cry with and enjoy. I love my husband dearly but as a mother I want another mother I can connect with.

So, that is where I am tonight. Hoping tomorrow will be a sunnier day.

Monday is Billy's late night of the week. He leaves by seven and doesn't return home until after nine, which makes for a very long day for both of us, especially when I work a Sunday night which I have done the last two weeks. I get off work at 7:30 and get home by 8, which means by the time he gets home Monday night I have not laid eyes on him for over 24 hours. Yeah, it stinks.

Well since we live in the arcitc circle also known as Ohio, we have been pounded by winter storms the last 2 weeks leaving a large quantity of snow on the ground and more beautiful snow started falling today. We are estimated at getting up to 8 more inches before this storm is over.

EIGHT. MORE. INCHES.

Enough said. Our awesome childcare provider is a 17 year old homeschooler we met at our church. She is wonderful and the kiddos adore her. The only problem with our current situation is the fact that she is, well, 17 and when the roads are snowy or icey her parents won't allow her to drive the distance to our house. Understandable. So at noon today she woke me up with the sad news that I would have to peel back my eyelids and stumble down stairs to watch my own kids. The blizzard had started and she was leaving to go home.

GRRRREAT.

So after working 12 hours and getting 3 1/2 hours of sleep I trapsed myself downstairs to the rugrats. Thankfully our sitter had them at the table eating lunch so no effort was required of me on that one. Naps came a little earlier than normal but the day carried on as usual. And I even managed to make a real dinner - something I usually don't do on Monday nights when it's just me and the kids. Bill came home to a mountain of snow in the driveway which he is currently shoveling in spite of his extreme exhaustion and while Ava should be nestled in her bed, she is acting silly nilly on the floor with her best bud Brownie.

Mondays are hard around here, but the good thing about Monday is that its followed by Tuesday - a new day after a nice night of sleep. Ahhh. Sleep.

It has been snowing here in the great state of Ohio for about a week now and as I look out my window at over a foot of snow while huge crystalline flakes relentlessly fall from the sky I wonder if this is ever going to end! Don't get me wrong, I do love the snow and watching it fall from the comfort and warmth of my own home, however when everyday occurances are hindered by it, it becomes a slight nuisance. Ava and her daddy enjoyed some time out in snow yesterday evening building snowmen and throwing snowballs. I have so many wonderful memories of my dad and me building snowmen, sled riding and cover your eyes mom - sliding on the ice in his station wagon around the neighborhood. I am thankful that Ava and Bill are forming a strong foundation of memories for her to pull from one day. The Winter can be fun, but I am SO ready for Spring!



And Spring will come bringing with it greeness and new life. Spring will come reminding us all that time continues to move on, whether or not we are ready. With death comes new life, with darkness comes the light. God is good to move us from one season to the next - both in the world we live in and in our own private lives. One of my favorite songs by Nicole Nordeman is "Every Season". Enjoy this video and take heart in knowing that whatever season you are in - a new one is coming.

Well the stress level around the Swinehart home has calmed down a little since my last post. After much consideration, I decided against starting back to school this fall. The hubby and I had a long discussion about the pros and cons, and I really felt as though there wasn't a truly valid reason for me to start back at this time in our lives. This doesn't mean that I will never advance my education, but my time with the family is too precious and my mental health too important. I really enjoy just being a mom and working my 2 little nights a week just fine.

Ava has been enjoying doing preschool at home and I have really been enjoying schooling her as well. We started a curriculum about 4 weeks ago and she loves it. We are following the Letter of the Week curriculum (www.letteroftheweek.com) and it has been wonderful. The mother who created this program has homsechooled 4 children and does a fabulous job of incorporating key elements into each weeks lessons. I can really see Ava digesting and retaining the things we discuss as well, which is so rewarding to me. Storytime at our library started back 2 weeks ago and we have been enjoying going for a fun time of silly songs, great books, and active engagement with other toddlers. It is also a nice time for me to interact with other moms of toddlers and to see that yes, other toddlers act grumpy and throw fits too. I love the validation of normalcy.

I can't even wrap my mind around the fact that we are halfway through with September. Where did the summer go? How is it possible that my baby is about to be six months old? My little squishy cuddle bug can roll all over the place, almost sit unsupported, and has even enjoyed two nights in a row of rice cereal. My princess can wear her hair in a ponytail, pees in the potty (most of the time), and eagerly asks me every morning when we are going to to "pstool" (which eqautes to preschool for those without toddlers). It just doesn't seem possible that my children grow so much everyday, and yet they do.

So, back to September. I have many mixed feelings about September and what this new "season" will bring to our family. I am very excited that fall is upon us, and look forward to cool days and cooler nights, festivals, county fairs, apple picking, pumping carving, leaves falling, candy eating, and sweater wearing. I just LOVE fall. I love the way the air smells and I love watching the trees metamorph into beautiful jeweled tones. I have been looking forward to fall since summer began and now that it is near, I am starting to get a little panicky. I feel as though Billy and I have so much on our plates, that we both have lives going on outside and inside of our "lives" and having two or three lives that you're living becomes very complex and stressfull!

Billy is starting his second year of grad school and is required to T.A. (teacher's assistant) this autumn guarter. So, for a biology class of about 400 students, he is required to teach two lab sections with 25 students per section, make and grade quizzes for each lab session, attend every class, and hold his own office hours. This doesn't really seem too complex on its own, however, my dear hubby also has to continue with his own independant research in the lab, present his research thus far at a 2 day conference in October and attend seminars for his graduate program every week. Amidst all of that, he is also still required to be a husband and a father. Basically, I am beginning to realize that for this next quarter (or year for that matter) I will become a grad school widow, and I haven't quite fully prepared myself for that.

I start my online human growth and development class September 23rd and while I am very excited about starting back to school myself I am also completely horrified. How am I gonna juggle my own school work with working 2 nights a week, being home with the kids every day, and not having a lot of help in the evenings with Billy tied up with his school committments. Some times when I think of all this, it just seems like insanity!

When I think of the years Billy has left in school and the hours he has to spend away from home making the mere salary he makes I get discouraged. I start doubting decisions we've made and I question if staying home as much as I do is beneficial to the family. I think about our finances which makes me even more discouraged and before long, I'm in such a rut. I wonder if me starting back to school is a selfish thing to do, considering getting my B.S. degree really isn't going to benefit us in any way. I have always wanted a bachelor's degree and I know if I go on to attain my master's it will be important, but then I struggle with that as well. I want to be a midwife, I want to pursue what I am passionate about, but I am so passionate about my children, about spending as much time as possible investing in their lives, building up their character, and being as present in their lives as possible. When I consider getting my midwifery degree and consider the hours I'd be away from home I start to think of all the things I'd miss, like story time at the library, swinging on the swing set in the back yard, going on small adventures to a local farm, cuddling up on the couch watching Little Bear, doing homeschool activities, wearing our pajamas until noon, snuggling under the covers taking an afternoon nap, baking cookies, and the list goes on and on. I never thought mothering would be such a tough job.

I want to be an awesome mother and I want to mother out of inspiration and not guilt. I want to make decisions for our family out of conviction from the heart and not from someone elses ideas on how things should be done. I will admit that I struggle with that. I struggle with being a "semi-crunchy" momma, but that is what I am, and I need to learn that it is OK to be middle of the road.

September is here, and October will follow and although I know it will be tough, we will get through this season, and we will get through it with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control. Romans 9:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Everything will come together by the grace of God.

I love fall. I love fall. I love fall.

Ava will be two and a half on June 26th and for the first 880 days of Ava's life, naps and bedtime were always preceded with a rock in the rocking chair. I remember those first few weeks of Ava's life when all I did was hold, nurse and rock my sweet little angel. There was nothing more fulfilling than feeling the weight of her body nustled up on my chest and hearing her gentle deep sighs of comfort and contentment.

As Ava grew, her body began to occupy a little more space on my chest but with each sleepy time moment, Ava knew her place of rest was on mommy's lap. Months turned into a year and rocking our little one was just part of the routine. Many people thought I wasn't parenting the "right" way by rocking our daughter to sleep every night, preventing her from being "independant". I've never seen an independant 1 year old, and I really don't think 1 year old's need independance. What they do need, is constant love and the reminder of safety and security in their everyday lives. This is what builds real independance when the time is right. I am greatful for those in my life who encouraged our behavior of lovingly rocking our sweetie to sleep and for honoring our desire to do what we felt as parents was best for our child.

Two years old and still rocking, still crawling up in our laps for bedtime stories about Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and for our evening rendition of The Wheels on the Bus, which happened to include every member of our family! Two years old and still rocking! I began to wonder, will this child ever sleep on her own? Have we in reality created a dependant child who needs us to sleep? And then, about 3 weeks ago, Ava decided she was ready. At nap time one day Ava told me she didn't want to rock, but that she wanted to lay in her own bed. At first I thought to myself, yeah right, this is really going to work. I was very pessimistic about the success of her napping on her own. Three days later, Ava was taking naps on her own, in her bed without her mommy rocking her to sleep!

I am ecstatic, and thrilled, and amazed, and proud. My two and a half year old is napping on her own. I can see the independance of a securely attached toddler beginning to blossom and it is so beautiful. I can see the fruits of our labor intensive attachment parenting at work as she begins to feel at ease in transitioning to going to sleep on her own. Ava was never forced to sleep on her own, left alone to "cry it out". Ava discovered that she could sleep on her own without mommy and daddy because she knew that we would be there in case she couldn't. That is true independance - breaking away with trust and confidence, knowing that it's okay to fall because someone will be there to catch you.

My baby is growing up. And while I'm so very proud of her and this major accomplishment, I do peer in her doorway with a hinge of sadness at my sleeping angel. I realize that as she no longer needs me to fulfill her need for bedtime routines, that soon she will no longer need me to dress her each morning, to change her diaper, to brush her teeth, to help her put her shoes on the right feet. And while her growth in character and maturity excites me, it also makes me want to hold on a little tighter. This may be one of the hardest things about parenting - learning that it is alright to let go, to loosen the grasp.

And so I am left with a full heart, full of pride for Ava and her growing independance and full of love for my baby girl blossoming into toddlerhood.