Ramblings of a Semi-Crunchy Mama

I am drained tonight and having one of those dreary kind of moments. My parents came to visit this weekend which was wonderful, but the visit was too short and their departure tonight was harder on me than usual. I miss my parents being part of our everyday lives. I miss that they can't stop by after dinner for a cup of coffee or that I can't meet my mom for lunch at our favorite little spot. I miss that they miss out on seeing the new things the kids are doing until well after they've accomplished them. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that my parents are close enough to visit as often as they do but tonight it just really hit me that they are far enough away to be away. Too far for daily or weekly enjoyment.

And then there's Ava who really pushed me to the limits today. I am at a really difficult place in disciplining this child and I find myself second guessing almost every aspect of my parenting. I feel guilty for spanking her even when I feel a spanking is merrited and I feel worn out from constantly trying to be calm and in control of myself when she deliberately disobeys or back talks. Everyday I find myself praying that God will help me become a better mother, and every day I feel I fall shorter and shorter.

And as the tears were already rolling I began to find more things to sob about - like the lack of a present female friend who shares the same obstacles as I do with the same desires to raise their children different from the world. I have no female companion whom I can honeslty share my struggles with, validate my feelings with or gleam encouragement from and all of a sudden I realized how much I truly desire that. A best friend. Some one aside from my husband who I can lean on, talk to, laugh with, cry with and enjoy. I love my husband dearly but as a mother I want another mother I can connect with.

So, that is where I am tonight. Hoping tomorrow will be a sunnier day.